So, it’s fall - my second favorite season. The leaves change, classes start, and you say goodbye to your summer dalliances and flings. For some people this is also “boo-ship” season- the time where you begin the process of investigating serious prospects in your romantic life. Whether it’s the new guy or girl in your class/dorm/job or someone who you knew previously but never quite made it to that next level with, the freshness of fall opens eyes and hearts. So in that spirit, I want to talk about relationships.
The 80/20 Rule
Is your house in order?
I feel like by now most of us are acquainted with the philosophy of the 80/20 rule which states that in your relationships you only get, at most, 80 % of the things you want and need with the other 20% as a constant nebulous temptation. By rough estimate (lol), I’ve been in 5 “relationships” and I don’t think I’ve ever been the 20. Maybe that’s a bit cocky of me to postulate but in an honest self-appraisal, I’m pretty awesome. I’m smart, talented, driven, honest, mature, giving, open-minded, confident, caring, and masculine. Conversely, I’m out of shape, “cold (so I’m told)”, blunt and not very fashionable. Personally, I’d like to think that my pluses outweigh my minuses but a couple of my exes, particularly my most recent, seemed to disagree with that.
All of this really got me thinking about the premise of the 80/20 rule. The question that kept coming to my mind is how does one develop their own individual concept of the 80 or the 20? I realized that, as with most things in life, it’s a matter of personal priority which is greatly influenced by society on both the micro and macro level. Each of us has a personal checklist of attractive qualities that are ranked and weighted in terms of their importance to us. For example, the number one thing on someone’s list could be intelligence which will account for 25% of what it is that you are attracted to. At the opposite end of the spectrum could be income, which could account for 1% of attractiveness. I guess this is a intellectualized way of saying everyone likes different things in people to varying degrees and the accumulation of these attractiveness points is what propels us to approach someone or take interest in them.
All of this really got me thinking about the premise of the 80/20 rule. The question that kept coming to my mind is how does one develop their own individual concept of the 80 or the 20? I realized that, as with most things in life, it’s a matter of personal priority which is greatly influenced by society on both the micro and macro level. Each of us has a personal checklist of attractive qualities that are ranked and weighted in terms of their importance to us. For example, the number one thing on someone’s list could be intelligence which will account for 25% of what it is that you are attracted to. At the opposite end of the spectrum could be income, which could account for 1% of attractiveness. I guess this is a intellectualized way of saying everyone likes different things in people to varying degrees and the accumulation of these attractiveness points is what propels us to approach someone or take interest in them.
Destroy and Rebuild it
The reason I find it so necessary to state all of this is because so many of us go into relationships believing that romance is somehow equalized and that we share the same point of reference in terms of attraction. The things that make up each person’s 80 or 20 differ. Hypothetically, it could be one or two crucial things that that person believes that they need in a relationship or it could be a collection of much smaller thing which constitutes that 80. The more diverse that 80 is the more likely the relationship is to last. I believe that everyone gets into relationships believing that they have found the 80 or are the 80. No one commits just to break it off. What constitutes your 80 is something that matures and is developed over time (aka trial and error, aka heartbreak and heart-mending). You don’t know what you really need out of a relationship until you’ve been in a situation where you didn’t have it.
I think this is the most important thing that I learned from my last relationship. Sometimes losing the other person gives you a chance to win yourself back. And sometimes times winning that person back, conversely, forces you to lose yourself. When relationships hit the rocks, there’s a point where you have to decide whether this thing is totaled or is salvageable. I wish I had been able to recognize the wreckage for what it was, totaled, instead of for what I wanted it to be, salvageable. In my last relationship, we came to that point and me being the kind of guy I am, I wanted to try to revive something that I knew in my heart was on life support and breathing through an iron lung.
When Losing is Winning and Winning is Losing
I think this is the most important thing that I learned from my last relationship. Sometimes losing the other person gives you a chance to win yourself back. And sometimes times winning that person back, conversely, forces you to lose yourself. When relationships hit the rocks, there’s a point where you have to decide whether this thing is totaled or is salvageable. I wish I had been able to recognize the wreckage for what it was, totaled, instead of for what I wanted it to be, salvageable. In my last relationship, we came to that point and me being the kind of guy I am, I wanted to try to revive something that I knew in my heart was on life support and breathing through an iron lung.
Think: What's the best tool for the job?
Trying to fix that thing was like trying to pound in a nail into a wall with a screwdriver. Sure, you can get it in there but the damage done makes it worthless. So much time and thought and pressure and anxiety is spent on trying to get this nail in, on trying to revive this patient, that you fail to realize that the damage is done and it’s dead. Then once it dawns on you that you are not Jesus or Bob Villa, you realize that you lost more trying to win than you would have in letting the loss be a loss.
You cannot make people be the way you want them to be. You can advise; you can instruct; you can guide; but, you cannot decide for them. And if you manage to cajole someone who doesn’t want to be with you into being with you, if you win their “commitment”, what is it really worth if it wasn’t mutual or not coerced or freely given. Yes, hurray, you won- something that was already lost. That makes no sense. It’s abusive to your self-esteem. You deserve better than that. The people that are meant to be in your life are going to be there. Wrong makes room for right.
Being single gives you room to reclaim to your personal identity from the new one that you forged with the person whom you entered into that relationship with. You can’t have a life inside of a relationship unless you have one outside of that relationship as well. When people say things like “all I need is my man”, it’s simply untrue. Being in a relationship shouldn’t stop you from being the complete and fully-functioning person you were before that relationship existed. If you lose that, then the relationship is hopelessly lost. You sacrificed yourself for the sake of a relationship that wouldn’t let you be yourself? Really?
You cannot make people be the way you want them to be. You can advise; you can instruct; you can guide; but, you cannot decide for them. And if you manage to cajole someone who doesn’t want to be with you into being with you, if you win their “commitment”, what is it really worth if it wasn’t mutual or not coerced or freely given. Yes, hurray, you won- something that was already lost. That makes no sense. It’s abusive to your self-esteem. You deserve better than that. The people that are meant to be in your life are going to be there. Wrong makes room for right.
Being single gives you room to reclaim to your personal identity from the new one that you forged with the person whom you entered into that relationship with. You can’t have a life inside of a relationship unless you have one outside of that relationship as well. When people say things like “all I need is my man”, it’s simply untrue. Being in a relationship shouldn’t stop you from being the complete and fully-functioning person you were before that relationship existed. If you lose that, then the relationship is hopelessly lost. You sacrificed yourself for the sake of a relationship that wouldn’t let you be yourself? Really?
Get On My Level
Where do you fit in?
This notion borrows a little from the 80/20. I’m not sure whether this is a learned behavior or a natural one but I’m willing to bet my money that society is to blame. In society, there is a well-known but only tacitly acknowledged concept of stratified attractiveness. (Random aside: I’ve always wondered if there is a such thing as universal attractiveness- tell me what you guys think.) Attractiveness is often ranked or tiered based on outward appearance, material possessions/personal style, and personality (with the scale lending itself more heavily to the first two). Society, in my opinion, reinforces these tiers through shows like “Beauty and the Geek” and every high school show where there is a clear demarcation between who’s “cool” and who’s not, who’s socially acceptable (and in what situations) and who isn’t. Think about the “nerd” who decides to ask the head cheerleader out. More than likely in this scenario, the nerd will run it by his friends who will comment on his boldness and daring (which intimates that she is in some way superior to him). When he finally does approach her, supposing he gets the words out, even if she likes the guy, she is more than likely confronted with the dilemma of personal desire and social responsibility. She knows she faces stiff social rebuke if she say yes even if she wanted to.
One day a couple of weeks ago, I overheard two girls discussing this notion as they were walking across the yard. One girl was talking about some show she had seen where they were discussing how people of similar attractiveness levels tend to gravitate towards each other, often out of fear of social rebuke. And I thought to myself what a bullshit concept. Not bullshit in the sense that it’s not true but bullshit in that sense that it’s a faulty reason to date or be attracted to anyone. Everyone should feel free to like who they like, approach who they want to approach, and date who they want to date. I know I do. My personal philosophy has met with a lot of conflict. I’ve been told to “step my game up”, “come correct”, or “get on their level”. My question to them is what gives you that “level”. And the most honest answer is that we did, society did. Social attractiveness is defined by how other interact with you. If you wonder why that lightskinned boy, with the pretty eyes, the wavy hair, and the muscles, is so cocky, the reason is that we, society, gave him that inflated sense of self-worth by giving him privilege over others that we deemed less attractive. This is how we instill social values by making other folks feel better at the expense of others. Are we really that insecure?
One day a couple of weeks ago, I overheard two girls discussing this notion as they were walking across the yard. One girl was talking about some show she had seen where they were discussing how people of similar attractiveness levels tend to gravitate towards each other, often out of fear of social rebuke. And I thought to myself what a bullshit concept. Not bullshit in the sense that it’s not true but bullshit in that sense that it’s a faulty reason to date or be attracted to anyone. Everyone should feel free to like who they like, approach who they want to approach, and date who they want to date. I know I do. My personal philosophy has met with a lot of conflict. I’ve been told to “step my game up”, “come correct”, or “get on their level”. My question to them is what gives you that “level”. And the most honest answer is that we did, society did. Social attractiveness is defined by how other interact with you. If you wonder why that lightskinned boy, with the pretty eyes, the wavy hair, and the muscles, is so cocky, the reason is that we, society, gave him that inflated sense of self-worth by giving him privilege over others that we deemed less attractive. This is how we instill social values by making other folks feel better at the expense of others. Are we really that insecure?
Where does your current situation fall?
